If I ever feel better...

Last night I went to see Phoenix, a band I truly adore.  Their lyrics speak to me and their music moves me.  I am not sure why as sometimes the words don't even make sense but alas such is life.  Not everything always has to make sense.  They opened with Lizstomania and I felt as though I might cry.  Their music represents so much for me...where I was when I first heard them is so far from where I am.  Their songs have got me through some tough days, some tough runs but they also remind me of so much joy and even silly fun.  Funny how that happens isn't.  
Their song "If I ever feel better" (lyrics below) speaks to me.  alas I share.  Maybe they speak to you too and bring you somewhere you never thought you could go or could have been.  Either way...Take a read and see.  


They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't ewait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know 

V. xo

I effing live for this Sh*t!

Yesterday I ran a race and it felt different.  Maybe because I ran the half marathon faster then I have ever ran that distance, maybe because I felt stronger then ever before, maybe because I ran it sans ipod and was so focused that the no tunage did not even phase me for one moment....It could be one of the above or a combination But yesterdays race was different.  The start was a cluster-eff...I literally was in a portapotty when the gun went off and sprinted through the start to start!  It was insanity but I forced myself to shake it off and not let it control my race.

I have been running with a coach since May and he has taught me more then I even realized, until yesterday.  When running a race pre coach I needed distractions and I created them.  music, pace bands, mantras...whatever I could dream up I put to use.  Coach has taught me that distractions waste significant energy.  so much valuable energy and time trying to be distracted instead of tuning in on the explicit and key task at hand, running the race.  Coach has also taught me not to worry about what everyone else is doing but to be only concerned with what I am doing.  Many Tuesday evenings at the track he would hammer this in to my brain, don't worry about so and so's mile repeats, focus on your own.  Or during strength, don't worry about how long so and so can hold their plank, concentrate on your own.  Yesterday when I was at 3K, everything and everyone in the race around me became peripheral.  My race was for me and against the clock.  My garmin was in fact my only competitor and I kept in pace and time with it my entire race.  Last week a fellow runner teased me about how I kept calling the Toronto Half Marathon MY race.  She kept saying we are all running it, why do you continuously call it your race?  Now I think she understands.  Yesterday I made it MY race. It was for me and no one else.
I thought if I did not hit my 1:32 goal I would be disappointed and need a day to wallow.  But I crossed that line and knew I ran a solid 1:35.  There was absolutely nothing to be despondent about.  I ran hard, fast and strong.  I ran a personal best--I knocked 3 mins off of my existing half time, I came 9th in my age group, 45th in my gender and 295th overall.  My legs felt limber and my body agile.  I wore a smile and felt a great deal of pride.  At the end of said day, I know there will be lots more races, lots more runs and lots more learning and for that I am the most grateful for.  I effing live for this shit.  Cannot wait til my next one...
V.