Friday, October 9, 2009

oh deary dear life is a funny funny thing! Happy T-giveroos!

Well hello there beautiful people. Can you even believe T-gives is upon us? The last two months of fall have been far from futile!
September came upon me with sass and good times. I can hardly believe we are in the midst of October and on the eve of T-giveroos. Holidays in general are always a bit tough on me. Gone are the days of high expectations and unrealistic presumptions and hello the days of nostalgia and memories. Every big holiday is linked in some way to painful memories or incidences which in someway have shaped who I am today. Ok Ok I know it sounds deep and harsh and even dramatic but it is truth. Christmas is truly the toughest of all and because of that the little things get to me and I can sometimes gut react or get worked up over the sillyest of things. I know what you are thinking--"where the eff is she going with this" or perhaps "what is she even talking about". Well for those of you whom truly know me--you understand Christmas. You understand it from the depths of your hearts and souls. It brings back so much hurt, pain and plain old disastrous change and unknowing. That time of year at one point in my life changed who I am today. Really. No if, ands about it.
T-gives is different. The memories of years past are awesome, some of my very favorite of all times. The nostalgia is painfully real and makes my heart sore. I have changed the way I see days, minutes, seconds even. I use to live too far ahead but now not so much. but at the cusp of such holiday my heart aches for what was and what could have been. It sounds ridiculous with all I have overcome and done but again plain old truth. They say to win you much lose. I have lost a lot the last 16 months but I have also won soooo much. Has it been worth it? But of course. Does it get easier? But of course. But will it always hurt? just a titch. I am real live feeler. I am a sensitive gal with an open heart. To have an open heart, one must feel it all--the today, the yesterday and friends, even the tomorrow. Memories are precious and sometimes they can hurt later. They remind us of all we had and all we have lost. It is funny how the most wonderful times in the minds eye can conjure up sadness. I have truly to begun to learn from my past and from the old me which is barely just a shadow in my minds eye. I am thinking of some very special someones this weekend. I am remembering some very special times, in a very special place. BUT all that being said I am also excited for the memories to be had, to be made in a new special place, with new special someones. Would I have it any other way? Hellz no. Will I take a moment to digest the little bit of pain? but yes. Will anyone even know? No well not unless they read this post I suppose. I revel in the idea of one day having my very own family to share thanksgiving. I also revel in the idea of all to come over the next few days. The inside jokes to be made, the laughs to be had and the stories for future to be made.
So with that thought I want to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Be thanksful for the turkey in your tummy, the wine in your glass and the peeps on either side of you. Perhaps take a moment and remember your fave tgivers memory--does it fill you with happiness that fills you so full you wish for that moment again? embrace it. That my friends is what I will be doing. One moment for me. Then I will laugh so hard tears will stream down my face while I live in the moment with those around me and be thankful for all that I have right now and for all that once was for without those times I could never have become the me I am today. Maybe years from now the happy moments and memories that are about to be will be the ones I look back on and wish for once more. Oh deary dear, life is a funny funny thing.
Enough gobbling on my end...Go! Enjoy! Happy Tgiveroos to you and yours!
V. xo

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