Thursday, November 29, 2007

Cross to Bare

In a short time, a week Saturday, it will be the tenth anniversary of the death of someone I loved, and still love, very much. With the coming of such anniversary, I wrote the following:

10 years ago my life changed forever. We all have those earth shattering or life altering moments that happen to us. They become our crosses to bare. They test our inner strength and our emotional stamina. They happen. To all of us. Mine happened 10 years ago.

There has been so much time and so much energy devoted to me trying to move on. I have been trying to explain this for years, the thing is, you never move on. You never get over such things. Ever. You learn to live on. You live on with the pain in your heart and in your soul. You gather life by the balls and move forward but never on. You hate, you lie, you scream, you take deep breaths but you never ever move on…you live on with that hole in your heart. You learn to deal. You live with the idea and hope that they are there. Always watching, always keeping an eye out, for what we might decide to do next. They never fully go away but they are always too far away for us to feel or touch or even realize. They are there when you need them the least and gone when you feel you need them the most but always there at the most important moments. Never forgetting that they are one full breath away…Thus, I breathe the air deep in my lungs…and that is when I realize just how far away they are but just how close they may be.

On this terribly sad anniversary, I will reminisce about those old days driving down country roads, singing some silly song, when we had everything in the world to lose, but we just didn't know it.
Although, the hole in my heart does not grow any deeper, it will always remain my cross to bare.


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